Having being newly married, I am constantly asked by people when I'm planning to have a baby. Not always is the question posed so nicely and with such civility. Sometimes people even ask me if I'm planning to make a baby soon. Others shout out at my husband, 'So is your wife pregnant already?' as if we've been trying for ages and failing. Lol!The answer is quite clear in my mind. I simply can't afford a baby at this stage in my life. I'm still a student and I'm going to face a flood of student loans when I finish my degree a year from now. Leaving my financial status aside, I don't want to have a baby unless I'm sure I am in a position to fully live up to my responsibility towards the baby as a parent. Quite honestly, I'm finding it hard enough balancing marriage and studies. Even with my husband helping me as much as he can around the house our apartment is falling into complete disarray. I don't think I can devote the time, attention, and care to the baby that it deserves. That being the case, I don't think it's fair for the baby that I'll be dragging it to my classes and to the library and everywhere else all over the campus, exposing it to all sorts of international fevers and colds that even I can't seem to avoid (in the International Islamic University). Especially if I can't give it enough attention in between classes.
And whenever I get asked if I'm pregnant, or planning to be pregnant soon, or anything of that sort, I try to explain to whoever asks me the question, in as little an amount of words as possible, this reasoning. Many people do agree with it (and suggest I get pregnant as soon as I finish my degree), and some few think it just shows how little I believe in the Will of Allah.
There seems to be a belief among some Muslims that babies are a gift from Allah and we simply have no right to turn away from a gift that Allah sends our way.
While I cannot agree more that babies are bundles of love that Allah gives us as gifts, I cannot look at parenthood as a gift alone. I think it is wrong to equate a baby to the gifts that we sometimes receive on birthdays, say, that are later left forgotten at the back of shelves gathering dust.
Since it is agreed that babies are in fact gifts from Allah, let's look at what a gift from Allah means. A gift from Allah, whatever it maybe, comes to us with certain responsibilities. Let's look at our lives for example. Life in it self, the short time span that we spend on earth, every single millisecond, is a gift from Allah. And it is our duty towards life itself that we spend it in the service of Allah. Our lives were not given to us to be wasted. Our bodies are gifts from Allah. And we owe a responsibility towards our bodies: to keep it healthy and safe from diseases as much as possible. To seek treatment in case we do contract a disease. To not endanger ourselves and put our bodies in hazardous situations. And these are responsibilities that we owe to gifts that were given to us as our sole right. What with a baby it is another soul. And when you bring a child into the world, you have a responsibility as a parent to take care of it and take all possible measures to give it a good future. And while it is true that the future is in Allah's hand, isn't it just as true that Allah commanded us to plan for the future?
Muslim scholars have taken a purposive approach in their discussion of the position Islam towards marriage and this approach has accepted by consensus in the Muslim world. The position of the person in life, his physical well-being and his financial capability included, is taken into consideration when discussing whether he or she is required, recommended to, or prevented from getting married.
Perhaps the same should be done in our discussion of the Islamic view of different methods of contraception. First of all, sterilisation is not the only contraceptive method available. So, it won't be proper to generalise the ruling on sterilisation to include all the other methods of contraception. Secondly, pregnancy, birth, and parenthood should not be looked at as the sole experience of the parents. It is first and foremost the start of the baby's life, and that is how we should look at it. And the idea that a couple who are not sure whether or not they can fully take care of the baby, or are sure they cannot give the baby the love and care it deserves is in my mind irresponsible.
Gifts from Allah are not to be treated in that manner. These gifts from Allah are facets of our being viceroys of Allah on earth. And as the Qur'an explains in Al-Ahzab: 72, this is an undertaking that the whole universe shook and shivered from its might and weight.
This being the case, we can't possibly in our right minds jump into such a responsibility with closed eyes. We need to plan for our future, our children's future and such plans are very much in line with Islam, as opposed to being against it. That's the proper way of believing in Allah's Will.
me n my wife also face similar qs everyday, such as "adhives hama dhariyaku nulibeydho?", "dharinneh nulibeydho?", "keevve dharin nuhoadhanee?"
ReplyDeleteSadly I do not agree with you, We as women have been given roles in our life and having children is one of those roles, Allah is surely the best of all survivers, Alhamdulilah your parents didnt think that way when it was time to have you, Dont get caught up in chasing this dunya when you are 80 years old insha allah your career wont be the one who takes care of you or gives you company.
ReplyDeleteSister, I don't think it's a sad for us to be in disagreement if we can disagree and still be able to engage in a discourse with each other with mutual respect.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you that we as women have a role to bring our offspring into life. But that role does not end there. We have a duty towards Allah, to our Ummah, and to our children that we bring them up as good people. When people who are incapable of living up to this responsibility become parents the result maybe an even greater increase in the number of misguided young people.
Also, please note that the purpose with which this article was written was to address the Islamic ruling with regards to contraception. I do not believe using contraception is in anyway hiding from fate. Because I do believe that in the end the matter is in Hand of Allah, and in his judgment we all believe. Well, that was the issue I was trying to address. Maybe I didn't manage to address to it appropriately and in the end it was undermined a bit. Maybe that's how you got the impression that the topic of discussion is my decision to use or not use contraception. :)
I completely agree with you that we should be responsible and have kids only when we're ready too. So many young muslim couples have children as soon as they get married often causing themselves and the baby a lot unnecessary trouble.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to contraception, as far as I know , any method of birth control is allowed as long as it doesn't cause u any harm? and a woman is not supposed to postpone pregnancy indefinitely?
Please do correct me if I'm wrong :)
This question arise me and my husband a lot too. However, since we both are studying abroad, the same situation with u comes to us too. But some people are so mean asking "You still dont have a kid". Some times I feel very sad. I really want a baby, but with a baby we get so much responsibilities in terms of financially and others also.
ReplyDeleteWe always have to plan a head before we do everything.